Checking In

Hello my long lost banded friends. I hope everyone is doing fab! My life has been crazy and when I come back and read blogs after a long time I'm always inspired and feel good about having a band.

Weight loss is still a constant struggle for me. For the past couple of years I have gained, lost, gained and lost the same 20 lbs. I am so happy that I'm here in this weight right now as opposed to my 300+ days  so I feel good.

I do feel as if the band has done what it can for me, and now I want to work on my head to get the rest of the way there. At the beginning of this year, I wanted to see a doctor that could help me sort through why I have such a compulsive eating/binging problem. For all intensive purposes, I've always been a pretty well adjusted, confident person but I've just never been able to figure this one out on my own.

Right at this moment there are some major things happening in my life. The biggest/toughest one is infertility. We're not talking tried to get pregnant 3 times and just don't know what's wrong, we're talking, it is absolutely impossible to conceive a child naturally. There is a slim to no chance of even having a child with the most expensive type of invitro. For the record, I'm not losing my shit and acting like a maniac. But I am going through a long and hard grieving process that I really haven't talked about much with anyone. It's a big heavy weight that just sits there. But at the end of the day, my husband is cancer-free and I'm thankful for that.

In addition to working through that, my career has been a roller coaster this year as well. I love the company I work for and my job, but we are growing quickly and things are changing so rapidly, that it's sometimes hard to keep up. Something that used to give me so much confidence and happiness is evolving. It's all good. It's just constant craziness and stress.

I am a huge believer in the fact that you get what you need in life and I feel like God gave me a break from the chaos last month. It's funny, prior to moving to NC I was a successful makeup artist running my own business for freelance, and also working in prestige cosmetics. I loved what I did and won awards for it. I read books on the industry and planned on working my way up into a corporate training position. I left that behind when I moved to NC with no connections and hideous pay for the same positions I worked up north. I've never felt the need to go back, but I think it's exactly what i needed.

In June, my sister came out of left field with something called Younique mascara. She was posting pictures of it, and then all of  a sudden started selling it. I was totally turned off right away, direct sales (annoying mary kay ladies in particular) had rubbed me the wrong way for all the years I had worked in cosmetics. Regardless of my resistance, she sent it to me for my birthday. Holy smokes. Best mascara I've ever used.

After a week or two, I had one of those online parties for her. All of a sudden talking about mascara and makeup and bonding with my old friends and new friends over beauty products and having success doing it filled my heart with exactly what it needs.  I decided to start selling it and I swear it has been all the therapy I have needed to get myself back above water. I have something that I'm passionate about again. I'm good at it, it makes me happy, and I can earn a little extra money doing it.


Having something that is fun and fulfilling is making it easier to deal with my 2 big things right now, and focus less on shoveling food in my mouth. I'm working out and in a good place. I'm really determined to lose the last 50 pounds on my own. By just finding my center, being content and dealing with what life throws at me. And I'm putting mascara on every day ... it's true what they say about looking good and feeling good :)

Tough

Had a tough moment the other day and held it in pretty hard. Just need to get it out. I haven't gotten into it too much on this blog but essentially my husband and I have a very slim chance of ever having children. It's not new news and I haven't been super sad about it, but I had a moment a few days ago that tears my heart out.

A great friend of mine who had an abortion in college gave birth to her first baby a week or two ago and I've been feeling a little more on edge about this whole baby thing since then. I don't get jealous or angry, but I have been experiencing some sadness that I swallow back and put someplace deep down. It hasn't shown back up yet but tried to yesterday.

I went to michael's with my mom, who I only get to spend time with about twice a year. We were getting yarn so I could knit a baby blanket for another good friend and my mom wanted to make a sweet little diaper cover with boa feathers that she saw on Pinterest. That's what we do, we make stuff and we have fun doing that stuff together.

As we got near the  feathers I started tearing up and couldn't shake it, I kept walking away pretending like I had to sneeze. I don't know how I did it but I somehow got it under control before my mom even noticed. I can't even explain the pain I felt. That's just something I want to be able to do with my mom for my own child.

 I've always been so comfortable with the challenges God has given me and I never want to or need to feel like a victim because of it. I've always seen the light at the end if the tunnel during tough times. I'm having a hard time seeing that this time. I'm going to be 33 years old this year. My time is running out and the only way to try is by coming up with $20k in cash.

I guess having a child is what I've always considered part of life. I've looked forward to the challenge of child birth and raising a kid. I honestly don't know if it's going to happen and it makes me feel a little worthless.

Results Are In

Had an endoscopy yesterday and everything is a-ok with my band. I vow to never drink a margarita, tequila, or anything out of a straw ever again.

I'm going to write this, but understand everything I write because it's going to sound bad and I don't mean it to. In the two years that I've had this band, I have never had as much pain as I had this past month. The only way to describe it is that it felt like my stomach and esophagus were getting squeezed to death. I'm so glad nothing is wrong, but at the same time it makes me feel bad that there isn't because I'm afraid it makes me look like the girl who cried wolf.

When my husband had surgery last year to remove a tumor, the incision on his belly got infected. Everyday for 1 week after surgery, I would say, "I think this is infected." I called the doctor twice and both times the nurse said don't call back until he has a fever of 103. Welp, I listened and the next time we called back was when he started bleeding profusely from his incision. He didn't have a fever, but he had an infection that was bad enough to land him a week long hospital stay.

I'm not going to go overboard, but when something is truly wrong, I will never in my life let a nurse blow me off like that again. This time, I was persistent because there was something very wrong. Thank goodness it wasn't serious or permanent, but I'm afraid I've used up my persistence card with my doctors!

I think ill round out the month on liquids, enjoy some food on vacation and then head back to the dr for an adjustment when I return in late Feb. I want to lose 5 more lbs before vacation!

Insomnia

It's 4:00 am...been up for 2 hours... If I fall asleep in the next hour my whole day will be messed up....the only thing left to do is go to the Y and sweat it out.

I was already a light sleeper and an early riser but I think this phentermin is keeping me up. Oh well, no sleep 'til 199 lbs 👍

A little band trouble!

Phew this year has been a crazy one but good! The weekend before New Year's Day I drank a margarita and in the days that followed my stomach and esophagus felt like they quadrupled in size. I immediately started sipping water and protein and basically followed my post-op liquid diet. I didn't panic and moved  up my appt. to see my P.A. I didn't sleep for days because when I would lay down at night time, all I could do was wonder if my organs were getting severed. It was terribly painful, but was tolerable if I stuck to tiny sips of water and protein.

I was about 1 week away from my appointment and I finally just called in and let them know I needed to come in earlier. My lovely PA saw me on an off day and emptied the band completely. We talked about a lot and I talked a ton to her about everything. I specifically asked if I could have an appetite suppressant to take while my band is empty. She was happy to and I'm glad she did. I have such a hard time yo-yoing as it is, this will at least help me get through however long this band needs to be empty.

I also asked her if I could talk to someone about my serious yo-yo dieting issue. I can honestly say that weight is the only thing in my life I have not been able to overcome! It's crazy, even at 300 pounds, I never had an issue diving into whatever I wanted to. When I want to do something I figure it out and If I want to, I do it well. It's just this weight thing that I can't figure out how to overcome. I lost 70 lbs in 4 months with the lapband and then I proceeded to pile half of it back on! Then I lost it again....and then this past November, I came dangerously close to swinging back into danger zone again. I put on about 10 lbs in a month or two. Seriously, WTF? When I'm in a bad place, I'm in a bad place and I can't seem to get myself out of it. It's not depression, it's like this blind need to eat EVERYTHINNNGGG.  Interestingly enough, I think my last post about my band being too tight, triggered this last episode of weight gain.

Either way, she gave me a referral and I'm excited to talk to someone in a week or two. I'll do anything it takes to make this work. I thought that having a $30,000.00 surgery would be enough for me, but apparently I need a little more than that. Oh well, no shame in it, just have to keep trying.

So, this is my second unfill since having my band. Both times, I drank a margarita from a straw and then all hell broke loose. I find that interesting because my sister has recently talked about being allergic to tequila. She said that when she drinks a margarita, her chest gets really hot and it makes her feel itchy and uncomfortable.

I have an endoscopy scheduled with my surgeon on the 27th and we'll see if there is something else going on in there. I've eaten soft foods about 4-5 times since the new year and everything else has been protein shakes. Quite frankly, I'm not even sick of them and I love losing weight like this.

I can still feel some discomfort in my band, but Prilosec and Phentramine are keeping the hunger and burning away for now. Working out is going great in fact even when I felt the worst, it was the only thing I could do to take my mind off of my organs getting smooshed.

I had a great time this past Saturday with my sweet friend Miss Hollee at a bootcamp in Durham. My shoulders are still recovering from that shit! I'm so grateful to have her in my life! Everybody needs a banded girlfriend that understands what's happening in your life.

I hope everyone else is doing fab and having a wonderful 2014.

Too Tight!

My band is too tight and it's making me RAGE! I get stuck on everything including protein shakes and it's painful to drink water. Grrrr! I was hoping to actually lose weight because of this but I'm just hanging in at the same weight.

I'm Going back in the morning to get a little taken out. This is the only time I'll say I wish my surgeon would adjust me tomorrow because I'm ready to unleash on his overachieving, non-listening, knows-everything-except-how-to-communicate-with-people-who-are-not-under-anesthesia ass. I really would like to force him to listen to me for once. Fortunately/unfortunately his PA who is much better at the human aspect of this job will be there. I'm not going to get pissy with her. Lame.

Hope everyone is doing fab! Everything else is good here! I won $17 in my first dietbet on Sunday which is fun! Have a great week!

Liked this one!