Checking In

Hello my long lost banded friends. I hope everyone is doing fab! My life has been crazy and when I come back and read blogs after a long time I'm always inspired and feel good about having a band.

Weight loss is still a constant struggle for me. For the past couple of years I have gained, lost, gained and lost the same 20 lbs. I am so happy that I'm here in this weight right now as opposed to my 300+ days  so I feel good.

I do feel as if the band has done what it can for me, and now I want to work on my head to get the rest of the way there. At the beginning of this year, I wanted to see a doctor that could help me sort through why I have such a compulsive eating/binging problem. For all intensive purposes, I've always been a pretty well adjusted, confident person but I've just never been able to figure this one out on my own.

Right at this moment there are some major things happening in my life. The biggest/toughest one is infertility. We're not talking tried to get pregnant 3 times and just don't know what's wrong, we're talking, it is absolutely impossible to conceive a child naturally. There is a slim to no chance of even having a child with the most expensive type of invitro. For the record, I'm not losing my shit and acting like a maniac. But I am going through a long and hard grieving process that I really haven't talked about much with anyone. It's a big heavy weight that just sits there. But at the end of the day, my husband is cancer-free and I'm thankful for that.

In addition to working through that, my career has been a roller coaster this year as well. I love the company I work for and my job, but we are growing quickly and things are changing so rapidly, that it's sometimes hard to keep up. Something that used to give me so much confidence and happiness is evolving. It's all good. It's just constant craziness and stress.

I am a huge believer in the fact that you get what you need in life and I feel like God gave me a break from the chaos last month. It's funny, prior to moving to NC I was a successful makeup artist running my own business for freelance, and also working in prestige cosmetics. I loved what I did and won awards for it. I read books on the industry and planned on working my way up into a corporate training position. I left that behind when I moved to NC with no connections and hideous pay for the same positions I worked up north. I've never felt the need to go back, but I think it's exactly what i needed.

In June, my sister came out of left field with something called Younique mascara. She was posting pictures of it, and then all of  a sudden started selling it. I was totally turned off right away, direct sales (annoying mary kay ladies in particular) had rubbed me the wrong way for all the years I had worked in cosmetics. Regardless of my resistance, she sent it to me for my birthday. Holy smokes. Best mascara I've ever used.

After a week or two, I had one of those online parties for her. All of a sudden talking about mascara and makeup and bonding with my old friends and new friends over beauty products and having success doing it filled my heart with exactly what it needs.  I decided to start selling it and I swear it has been all the therapy I have needed to get myself back above water. I have something that I'm passionate about again. I'm good at it, it makes me happy, and I can earn a little extra money doing it.


Having something that is fun and fulfilling is making it easier to deal with my 2 big things right now, and focus less on shoveling food in my mouth. I'm working out and in a good place. I'm really determined to lose the last 50 pounds on my own. By just finding my center, being content and dealing with what life throws at me. And I'm putting mascara on every day ... it's true what they say about looking good and feeling good :)

Tough

Had a tough moment the other day and held it in pretty hard. Just need to get it out. I haven't gotten into it too much on this blog but essentially my husband and I have a very slim chance of ever having children. It's not new news and I haven't been super sad about it, but I had a moment a few days ago that tears my heart out.

A great friend of mine who had an abortion in college gave birth to her first baby a week or two ago and I've been feeling a little more on edge about this whole baby thing since then. I don't get jealous or angry, but I have been experiencing some sadness that I swallow back and put someplace deep down. It hasn't shown back up yet but tried to yesterday.

I went to michael's with my mom, who I only get to spend time with about twice a year. We were getting yarn so I could knit a baby blanket for another good friend and my mom wanted to make a sweet little diaper cover with boa feathers that she saw on Pinterest. That's what we do, we make stuff and we have fun doing that stuff together.

As we got near the  feathers I started tearing up and couldn't shake it, I kept walking away pretending like I had to sneeze. I don't know how I did it but I somehow got it under control before my mom even noticed. I can't even explain the pain I felt. That's just something I want to be able to do with my mom for my own child.

 I've always been so comfortable with the challenges God has given me and I never want to or need to feel like a victim because of it. I've always seen the light at the end if the tunnel during tough times. I'm having a hard time seeing that this time. I'm going to be 33 years old this year. My time is running out and the only way to try is by coming up with $20k in cash.

I guess having a child is what I've always considered part of life. I've looked forward to the challenge of child birth and raising a kid. I honestly don't know if it's going to happen and it makes me feel a little worthless.

Results Are In

Had an endoscopy yesterday and everything is a-ok with my band. I vow to never drink a margarita, tequila, or anything out of a straw ever again.

I'm going to write this, but understand everything I write because it's going to sound bad and I don't mean it to. In the two years that I've had this band, I have never had as much pain as I had this past month. The only way to describe it is that it felt like my stomach and esophagus were getting squeezed to death. I'm so glad nothing is wrong, but at the same time it makes me feel bad that there isn't because I'm afraid it makes me look like the girl who cried wolf.

When my husband had surgery last year to remove a tumor, the incision on his belly got infected. Everyday for 1 week after surgery, I would say, "I think this is infected." I called the doctor twice and both times the nurse said don't call back until he has a fever of 103. Welp, I listened and the next time we called back was when he started bleeding profusely from his incision. He didn't have a fever, but he had an infection that was bad enough to land him a week long hospital stay.

I'm not going to go overboard, but when something is truly wrong, I will never in my life let a nurse blow me off like that again. This time, I was persistent because there was something very wrong. Thank goodness it wasn't serious or permanent, but I'm afraid I've used up my persistence card with my doctors!

I think ill round out the month on liquids, enjoy some food on vacation and then head back to the dr for an adjustment when I return in late Feb. I want to lose 5 more lbs before vacation!

Insomnia

It's 4:00 am...been up for 2 hours... If I fall asleep in the next hour my whole day will be messed up....the only thing left to do is go to the Y and sweat it out.

I was already a light sleeper and an early riser but I think this phentermin is keeping me up. Oh well, no sleep 'til 199 lbs 👍

A little band trouble!

Phew this year has been a crazy one but good! The weekend before New Year's Day I drank a margarita and in the days that followed my stomach and esophagus felt like they quadrupled in size. I immediately started sipping water and protein and basically followed my post-op liquid diet. I didn't panic and moved  up my appt. to see my P.A. I didn't sleep for days because when I would lay down at night time, all I could do was wonder if my organs were getting severed. It was terribly painful, but was tolerable if I stuck to tiny sips of water and protein.

I was about 1 week away from my appointment and I finally just called in and let them know I needed to come in earlier. My lovely PA saw me on an off day and emptied the band completely. We talked about a lot and I talked a ton to her about everything. I specifically asked if I could have an appetite suppressant to take while my band is empty. She was happy to and I'm glad she did. I have such a hard time yo-yoing as it is, this will at least help me get through however long this band needs to be empty.

I also asked her if I could talk to someone about my serious yo-yo dieting issue. I can honestly say that weight is the only thing in my life I have not been able to overcome! It's crazy, even at 300 pounds, I never had an issue diving into whatever I wanted to. When I want to do something I figure it out and If I want to, I do it well. It's just this weight thing that I can't figure out how to overcome. I lost 70 lbs in 4 months with the lapband and then I proceeded to pile half of it back on! Then I lost it again....and then this past November, I came dangerously close to swinging back into danger zone again. I put on about 10 lbs in a month or two. Seriously, WTF? When I'm in a bad place, I'm in a bad place and I can't seem to get myself out of it. It's not depression, it's like this blind need to eat EVERYTHINNNGGG.  Interestingly enough, I think my last post about my band being too tight, triggered this last episode of weight gain.

Either way, she gave me a referral and I'm excited to talk to someone in a week or two. I'll do anything it takes to make this work. I thought that having a $30,000.00 surgery would be enough for me, but apparently I need a little more than that. Oh well, no shame in it, just have to keep trying.

So, this is my second unfill since having my band. Both times, I drank a margarita from a straw and then all hell broke loose. I find that interesting because my sister has recently talked about being allergic to tequila. She said that when she drinks a margarita, her chest gets really hot and it makes her feel itchy and uncomfortable.

I have an endoscopy scheduled with my surgeon on the 27th and we'll see if there is something else going on in there. I've eaten soft foods about 4-5 times since the new year and everything else has been protein shakes. Quite frankly, I'm not even sick of them and I love losing weight like this.

I can still feel some discomfort in my band, but Prilosec and Phentramine are keeping the hunger and burning away for now. Working out is going great in fact even when I felt the worst, it was the only thing I could do to take my mind off of my organs getting smooshed.

I had a great time this past Saturday with my sweet friend Miss Hollee at a bootcamp in Durham. My shoulders are still recovering from that shit! I'm so grateful to have her in my life! Everybody needs a banded girlfriend that understands what's happening in your life.

I hope everyone else is doing fab and having a wonderful 2014.

Too Tight!

My band is too tight and it's making me RAGE! I get stuck on everything including protein shakes and it's painful to drink water. Grrrr! I was hoping to actually lose weight because of this but I'm just hanging in at the same weight.

I'm Going back in the morning to get a little taken out. This is the only time I'll say I wish my surgeon would adjust me tomorrow because I'm ready to unleash on his overachieving, non-listening, knows-everything-except-how-to-communicate-with-people-who-are-not-under-anesthesia ass. I really would like to force him to listen to me for once. Fortunately/unfortunately his PA who is much better at the human aspect of this job will be there. I'm not going to get pissy with her. Lame.

Hope everyone is doing fab! Everything else is good here! I won $17 in my first dietbet on Sunday which is fun! Have a great week!

Liked this one!

Made it!

Phew. It feels good to be back. Shedding the weight I gained last year after surgery kind of feels a little symbolic. I walked straight through hell and ate every piece of garbage I could get my hands on. Dropping everything i gained feels like i can wash my hands completely of that mess. i still have moments of sadness, but I'm a stronger, healthier and happier person because of it. 

Now I'm moving on to my next goal of losing 100 lbs (since surgery) which will put me at 204. That's roughly 25 lbs away! I'm going on vacation next week so ill give myself 13 weeks to complete the goal. 

It feels really good to be here. I can do this!! 

Fun Run?

I'm up and at em at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning to do my first "fun run" that I don't intend to partially walk! Excited? Not particularly :) 

The funny thing is that I know I can do it, but I haven't been running at all! 2-3 times a week I run 4 flights of stairs with my buddy from work for about 30 minutes. It is so effing hard, but it feels easier than running to me. My. Heart rate stays up in the 175 range for almost the entire time. Turns out...that has made running easy without having to kill myself running every week! 

Hope everyone has a fab Saturday! Here goes nothing!

P.S! OMG!! I just weighed myself and made it! I'm back down to my lowest surgery weight! yessss!! 

My favorite Meal This Week

1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, 1-100 calorie pack of Emerald almonds and walnuts with a couple teaspoons of honey . 

250 calories and 14 delicious grams of protein! 

Also I can't trust myself to buy normal sizes if nuts because when I open a full container I somehow manage to get 7 servings into my mouth while portioning out 1. Danger! 

Weigh in!

Pre-op visit weight (November 2011) -304
Morning of surgery (December 2011) - 294 or 296 somewhere in there
Lowest weight 4 months after surgery - 228
All hell breaks loose and eat my way through the second half of 2012 to console myself....
Highest weight since surgery (May 2013) - 269
Today (week 13 of body for life) - 232.6 YES!!


8 lbs from my 1st goal! I set my deadline as August 31st! I'm going to do everything I can to make it! 

Two Things That Make Losing Weight a Little Easier

Awesome!!! Same price as the snack bags that I always buy anyway. I can reuse them with dry foods too. 

When I'm having a moment of weakness and need something sweet, these coffee drinks have been my saving grace! Only 50 calories, delicious and a bit pricey so that keeps me from overindulging. I sip slowly and it helps me get past any urge to fall off the wagon. I also feel safer drinking this than a skinny latte from a coffee shop because there's always that chance the barista just grabs whole milk accidentally, or uses sugary syrup when I ask for sugar free. 

Today marks week 12 of body for life, and I've lost 33 lbs so far! Still 9 lbs from my goal, but I think I can get there by the end of the month! We're taking a week long Disney vacation and when we get back ill start my second 12 week round! That time, no matter where I am weight wise, my goal will be to reach 204. That will get me to the 100lbs down mark!! 

About to lose it!

Omg y'all I'm about to lose my shit today!! Started off with the most annoying auto service center in the state of North Carolina. (Auto Park Chrysler Jeep- in case you were wondering) then the little tiny troll of an old man that I work with, I've mentioned him before, has my blood pressure over the top!!! He treats every female in the office like we're secretaries. Even though I hold a higher effing position than he does and he has no idea what we do. Ggggggggrrrrrrrrr!! I'm ready to snap!!

So now I'm sitting in Jiffy Lube getting the oil change and inspection I was supposed to get this morning at the dealership and I'm FUMING!

I think the only thing that would make me feel better today is flipping chairs and desks over while screaming. I guess that's probably not a good idea :) RAWR!

Interesting Week!

I had my first bad week on body for life and I'm actually really surprised that I didn't gain weight at all! I got back from my sister's house in Fl last Sunday and had so many things going on that I didn't get prepared for the week on Sunday. That pretty much broke the entire week for me.

I ate out a couple of times, had whatever I wanted and snacked on some things I shouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole. 

I feel like the big difference is just lifting weights. I just cannot believe my weight stayed flat. That is seriously unheard of! 

The big thing for me right now is taking today to get back in a good mind set and preparing for the week. Which I've done. Had a great upper body workout today and I'm ready to get back on track for the week. 

I think I've figured out how I'm going to handle the goals associated with the rest of my weight loss as well.  I need to lose 12 more lbs to get to my goal of -45 on body for life. 

After I hit that, my next big goal will be clearing the 100 lbs since surgery mark which is another 24 lbs. 

after I hit the 100lb mark, I'd like to lose 44 more lbs. I think it would be best to break that into 2-22 lb chunks! It feels attainable and I don't feel like I am tired or sick of eating according to the body for life plan :) 

Check In - Week 9 BFL

Today marks the beginning of week 9 in the body for life challenge. I've lost 30 lbs so far and I'm feeling really good! MS has lost 23 lbs and he is really starting to show a lot of muscle definition! I definitely feel like my workouts have more purpose, I don't feel burned out from the gym and I'm not dying for any bad foods. In fact my cheat days, while they still include chocolate, haven't been really bad over the past few weeks. It's crazy how you can eat poorly for a long time without issues and then once you start treating your body right, foods that are unhealthy start making you feel like complete garbage. On the Sunday after a cheat day I feel bloated and lethargic which never happens during the week. 

Dr Yoo was very happy with my progress when I saw him on Thursday and he gave me an enormous fill :( 2 effing cc's. I keep telling myself this really shouldn't affect anything because I'm eating the correct portions. I need to slow down when I eat and this fill will probably help. That's the one rule I still struggle with. 

Overall I feel really good! I'm still gunning for my goal of -45 lbs by August 11th. I need to lose about 3lbs a week for the next 5 weeks to do so. It's definitely not easy, but its possible, so I'm going to try as hard as I can! 

Truth

This is for my banded blogging or blog reading friends who are struggling with weight. Keep your heads up and don't worry about setbacks! Just keep getting back up :) 

Sweet Tooth? Post Work Out Protein? Mushies?

PMS is the killer of all diets and I am so glad that I only have healthy food in my house because I could plow through the aisles of a grocery store right now. Seriously. Danger.

The good news is that i've been losing 2 lbs a week consistently. I can see my body changing for the better. I feel good about having purpose behind my workouts as opposed to just going cardio crazy for as long as I can possibly stand it. I'm really sticking to the all around healthy eating regimen and don't feel deprived. Well... every once in a while I want to smash chocolate all over my face but who doesn't? 

I ran across this post on post workout snacks that caught my eye and I seriously have to share this with you, it's over the top! It's a perfect mix of complex carbs and protein with no added sugar. It's smooth like icing so its easy on the band and it's rich and chocolatey!! Holy yum. 

1 Japanese/asian sweet potato (reddish on the outside white on the inside ... Different sweet potatoes have different nutritional value so just take note if you have to substitute)

1 scoop of syntax nectar chocolate truffle 

Splash  of water

Microwave or bake the potato until cooked through, remove the skin and mash with protein powder and a tiny splash of water if needed. You can also just put it all in the blender or use a hand mixer to whip it up. 

Makes 2 servings - You can eat it hot or cold - 1 serving has about 12 carbs and 12 grams of protein and about 100 cals! 

 

Sad Today

Two people that have made a wonderful impact on my life got to meet in heaven today. Both battled colon cancer for 4 years. 

I introduced them to each other about 4 years ago. My sweet friend Erica had been winning her battle with cancer for some time. She was such an inspiration to Joan, an incredibly strong leader who I admire greatly. They talked a lot about chemo and what to expect and became friends. It always made me feel good to know they had connected. 

When Erica died, Joan spent a lot of time comforting me and talking to me about it all while she was battling the same horrible disease. Shouldn't I have been the one comforting her? It never seems to work that way. 

Today Joan went home too and I know without a shadow of a doubt that Erica was there welcoming her. I'm sad for all of us who care so deeply for her, but I'm happy that she doesn't have to be sick anymore. My heart is broken for her young daughter who has to grow up without her mommy here by her side. 

Erica was 26 when she was diagnosed with colon cancer and Joan was only 39. Both were diagnosed with stage IV metastatic colon cancer that had spread to their livers. They both fought as hard as they could for 4 years.  My heart just aches today :( 

In honor of both of them, i feel like i have to write this: if you are reading this and you have experienced blood in your stool, have abnormal pain in your abdomen or have had a complete change in your bm's talk to your dr. Colon cancer is easy to find and remove. Don't be afraid of a colonoscopy it could save your life. 

A few fun things

Too tired to type A blog but here are a few randoms! 

- Today I won my own front row/reserved parking spot at the office for the month of July for going to the gym the most in June! YES!!! Because our parking lot sucks!!!  

- was too tired to go to the gym this a.m. So my friend and I crushed the stairs at lunchtime. We ran up and down 4 flights of stairs for 20 minutes straight which were pretty sure equates to about 18 times. Which means we ran up and down damn near 72 stories today! My heart rate monitor said I burned 256 calories! 

- speaking of heart rate monitors ... If you're serious about tracking calories in  v calories out , I would suggest purchasing a monitor. Myfitnesspal on average gives me about 100 extra calories burned for every workout. The equipment at the gym always reads lower than MFP but its still higher than actual calories burned! Total bummer! 

I think that's all for tonight!! I'm outta gas! 

Note to self ... Get over yourself

:) I had the best time at the color vibe run! My whole "can't sleep because I have to wear a tutu" was just stupid.  There were so many people and it was awesome. We walked and jogged about half and half .. I got so much color powder in my contacts that I had to just take them out on the trail and throw them on the ground. Ha!

hollee and christy ... I was looking for you but once my contacts were out it was hopeless!! Let's plan a date soon!

I'm so grateful for my girlfriends that made my bday morning super fun! After my hubs and I got home and got cleaned up we went out to lunch and had empanadas downtown, then we walked to a little chocolate factory. We took a tour, sampled chocolate and had iced coffees! Yummmm
It started to rain so our 10 minute walk back to the car was so funny in the rain! We got soaked!

Cheat day!! Ran and walked this biz off!!!