1 Year and 10 Days Ago...

If I could sum up the past year in one word it would have to be ... extreme.

My husband and I were banded a year and 10 days ago. It was for sure the best gift I've ever given to myself.

The first 6 months for us were wonderful. In fact, we were told that we could expect to lose 50% of our excess body weight in the first year and we both lost that in 4 months!! Awesome!! We didn't just get banded and then wait around for the weight to drop off. We followed a very strict diet and at my best I was working out about 9 times a week. We made sure that every time we worked out we did a little more.

Around June life started really effing with us and my self discipline started wavering. I've been so absent from this blog for the past 6 months and I feel bad about that. I think I'm of a sound mind and feel like I'm mentally stable, but in the past month or two I've been telling myself to go talk to someone about everything that has happened this year just to get it out.The truth is seeing psychiatrist is going to cost me and I need to wait until 2013 for my flex spending to re-up. So, I'm going to start by airing it all out on this blog in the final days of 2012 and hopefully just let it go. I don't want to carry any of the past with me into the new year because it's just too damn heavy. Stick with me, this story is dramatic.

So here it goes:

My immediate family is extremely close knit. My parents would go to the end of the earth for us and we would all do the same for them. The past couple of years have been hard on my dad financially. The construction industry in Michigan is still struggling. A year or so ago he had to go back to manual labor and he is just too old for that. This year he was hurt on the job and workman's comp paid for a while. Right before he was supposed to have knee replacement surgery as a result of the injury, everything went to hell in a hand basket. Workman's comp denied everything.... and to spare you the details, for a few weeks we had to dig deep and figure out what to do. Would they move down and live with us? Could MS and I buy them a place to live? Would they foreclose on the house? Do we go up and sell everything? My dad even made comments about his life insurance policy and I swear to you, in the most calm and rational way, he was literally putting killing himself out on the table as a viable option. I mean it was really fucking terrible.

My heart was completely broken, I was 1,000 miles away from them, and I willingly took on the role of leading them through the crisis. MS and I researched lawyers, social security, disability, workers comp rights. It was a very dark, low and rough time for all of us.

We were able to put together a plan, get a lawyer, and he was able to get his surgery. We had planned a trip up to MI in August anyway and it turned out that we were going to be up there about 3 weeks after his surgery. Both MS and I wanted to get stuff done around the house for them and take care of anything they needed. I needed that vacation so badly from all that stress. I just needed to be with my parents and needed to recover from such a stressful situation with them.

About 3 days into the trip we got the call that MS's grandpa was starting to lose his battle with lung cancer. So we cut the trip short, flew back to NC. We flew with our kid/dog which will never happen again because it was a complete nightmare. We even had vet prescribed doggie xanax. Looking back, I should have just threw back the whole bottle myself. You may even remember my story about getting stuck on a coney in Detroit. That just added to the horror.

We made it to VA in time and were with the entire family when MS's grandpa passed. It was very emotional and my husband took it very hard. I had to step up again and be strong for him, while inside I was still hurting and reeling from my own family's issues.

About a month later, I was headed to San Fran for a work conference. Turns out MS was supposed to be in Denver for work the following week so we met up with family and stayed the weekend in Denver(which was also our 2 year anniversary)Right before I left for San Francisco, I received a suspicious message that involved my husband. I ignored it went to San Fran and planned on asking him about it over the weekend in Denver.

I never found a good time to ask him about the message so I ignored it. I went home and he stayed in Denver for his training. On the eve of our 2nd anniversary, I got home and decided to look into it a little more. I couldn't sleep and the realization that something very bad was going on completely washed over me. At 1:00 in the morning I called him and asked him about it. Turns out he was having "inappropriate conversations" over the Internet with this disgusting hog of a female. I never in my life imagined that our marriage was even to a point like that. I didn't sleep for a minute that night.

He immediately worked out the details with work and flew home. I went to a work meeting looking like a freak and I couldn't concentrate and was fighting falling asleep. How the FUCK? How the FUCK did that fucking happen?! What THE FUCK?

He said that I was working so much and this trash bag emailed him telling him how great he looked and it made him feel good. Other than that he would not give up any other information. My whole fucking world got rocked to the core. I can't even begin to explain to you the hurt and grief and the pain that caused me. We have always had such a good relationship. He has always been my very best friend. I have never in my life felt or experienced that type of betrayal. And to top it off ... she is a disgusting human being. Not attractive and posts horrible half naked self portraits of herself all over the Internet. What in the actual fuck? He holds strong that they never talked about meeting up, or set up any type of time to actually cheat, but that the conversation was flirtatious and inappropriate.

I researched divorce, I researched cheaters, I searched my soul. I didn't want to get a divorce and I hated myself for not wanting to dump his ass. I questioned whether or not I even wanted to have kids. Why bring kids into a home that could be broken in the future? WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't get married until I was 29 years old and we have such a good relationship. I trusted him with every ounce of my being and that all got ripped away. Holy shit. I cried for weeks. I still cry about it.  I also slipped into depression. I told my boss and I told my best friend and I really didn't talk about it much to anyone.

I was still hurting from lost time with my parents so we planned a trip to my sisters for Thanksgiving. I started feeling better and looking forward to seeing them. About 3 weeks before Thanksgiving my sister sent us a text that said she got promoted and was moving to Florida. Thanksgiving trip was cancelled.Great. I just wanted to be with my parents. I cried and cried.
We adjusted our sails and booked flight to just go to Michigan for Thanksgiving because I just needed it.

Here's where the story gets dramatic......

Two days before we were supposed to leave. My husband got diagnosed with testicular cancer. Now I've always thought that I was a strong person. Well that's what it took to break my soul. Just broke.
holy shit. That was the darkness. Depression is not a strong enough word to describe my state of mind at that time.

He had to have surgery and scans right away. We cancelled our flights and trip again.

MS's mom came down for the surgery, but was so sick the morning before, she had to go home. She didn't want to risk getting MS sick.

We had told my parents not to come down so that MS' family could be there for as long as they wanted. So there I was by myself in a very very bad place.

Before he went to surgery we found out that the blood tests and CT scans were very good and showed no sign of cancer anywhere else in his body. But we wouldn't know anything else until about 2 weeks after surgery.

1 week after, he was admitted to the hospital because his incision was infected. It was so bad, he could barely go to the bathroom by himself, so I stayed with him for 2 or 3 sleepless nights. One of the nights while he was sleeping I just lost my shit. Sitting there in the dark. I'm a big believer in karma and I swear this year I paid for everything I have ever done wrong to anyone in my life.

After that, things started slowly getting better.

They ended up opening up a part of his incision to drain and treated him for 5 days in the hospital. I learned how to pack an open wound and I'm still doing that. If I were to guess, I think we have about 4 more weeks until that thing closes up nicely. Turns out the tumor they removed was benign. He doesn't need chemo or radiation. Just needed the surgery to remove it. Definitely caught a break with that one. My parents came down for a week to help us out. I needed that. I really needed that. 

So now I'm here, feeling sad that I've put some weight back on. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to use my band. I forgot that I'm never hungry and just started shoving anything that would slide past the band in my face.

I'm embarrassed to go get a fill because I've put weight on. Lately I've been out of breath walking up stairs. All of my clothes are too tight and I feel like a lard ass. But you know what? I didn't gain ALL of my weight back. So I'm still ahead in this whole thing.

The good news is that I have effing killed it at work this year. I just qualified for a Caribbean vacation through work and what feels even better is that in a time when the economy sucks I was instrumental in doubling the size of the company I work for and taking the sales from $2M LY to almost $4M TY. That feels great.

So from today forward, I'm reteaching myself how to use my band. Knowing myself I'll probably have to do this every year. But that's OK. I forgive myself. I forgive my husband.  I'm moving on. The universe chewed me up and spit me out this year, so hopefully it moves on to bigger and better things in 2013.

If you've read to this point. Thank you for letting my vent. I'm putting this out there and I'm leaving it there. It's too heavy to carry.

Onward to 2013! Happy EFFING New Year! :)

Why am I Fighting This Band?

Man I am really raging against my band today. After my stuck episode in Detroit I vowed I would never let that happen again. I've been pretty good about it, but you know somedays the band is more finicky than others.

This morning, like a drug addict, I stopped and got some breakfast on the way to work. Not sure why... the shit doesn't even taste that good. Good news is, prior to surgery I would have had a value meal and probably something else, but this time I got a hashbrown. The guy asked if I wanted two for a dollar and of course I just said sure.

First Bite, stuck. Good. Serves me right. But for some reason that didn't stop me once I got to the office. Why can't I just stop? Cold hashbrowns aren't even good! I went through the whole watery mouth thing and almost barfed in my office.

Around lunch time, instead of making a shake like I should have I got a plate of peruvian food from the Monday lunch people in our building. Ate more than enough and then stuck again. It never fails. I can't figure out why I'm doing this to myself.

I'm going to the gym tonight come hell or highwater I need to at least do something good for myself after a day of abuse.

When Life Knocks You Down ...

Woah ... just when I thought it couldn't get worse! I had some serious life altering drama last week y'all. It's way too much to get into on a blog. But shit.

I might have posted this once already but I need to post it again. I saw this on an e card recently and I swear this is my new motto:

I'm teetering on the edge of completely losing it, but I know I can keep it together. My lapband is definitely keeping me from eating my weight in garbage that's for sure. I've been trying to eat a can of tuna fish for the past 45 minutes and every bite I take gets stuck. I'll thank it later for that one.

I can't wait to see the pictures from BOOBS!! I am so so sad that I bought my ticket and then couldn't go. I had to go to California for work for a week, which was really great but I'm still so sad that I missed out. There's always next year!

Waterfall Affect

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with my dog/child sitting next to my bed quietly staring at me. How can anyone not like dogs? Blows my mind.

Made it to the Y nice and early! Got a quick workout in. Sat in the steam room for a bit and took my time getting ready in the silent, ever so secret family locker room. Let me tell you that place is VIP in the mornings because no one thinks about using it. Plu, they are freshly cleaned from the night before.

Things are feeling like they are getting back to normal. I think the whole key is the workout. Once I put the time in to work out it waterfalls into every other facet of my life. My eating habits just fall back into place and I'm more organized at work even. I just have to keep going. I'm thinking about setting up an appointment with a therapist. I have never been able to just keep steady with my weight. I'm either losing or gaining. nothing in between. Thank God the band helped me not gain as much as I would have. But I can't keep treating my body like this. So we'll see. I keep saying I'd like to make an appointment and always mean to look into what coverage we have for it and then I never do.

On a different note, I have to say I sure have missed all of the banded bloggers out there. It's so good to see how far everyone has come and it's really inspiring! I'm still catching up on blogs so if you get 7 comments from me in 1 day you'll know why :)

Embarassing Moments and More Vodoo

Let's talk about accountability. In January, MS and I joined Planet Fitness because they had the $99 for a whole year deal and I wasn't so sure I was going to stick with a gym plan at that time. I still wanted to take other classes etc, so I also took advantage of a benefit that is offered by my company. They pay $40 towards a gym membership at the YMCA or Lifetime Fitness every month and the remainder gets taken out of my check. Well Lifetime is super expensive, but with the Y membership costs me $1.80 and it's taken out of every paycheck. Not bad, $43 out of pocket for the entire year. In return, I have to go to the gym at least 10 times in a 3 month rolling period.

I knew I hadn't gone to the gym a whole lot in the past three months, but oops. I really hadn't been going, because yesterday I get an email from one of our HR people that says this:

Hi!

 

Just wanted to send a friendly reminder about the gym subsidy. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work by going to the gym at least four times in (month). You can definitely do that!!!

June: 1

July: 1

August: 1

 

Goal for Sept: 4+

 

 

OMG. How embarassing is that? I only went to the gym 3 times in 3 months? That can't even be possible. I used to go almost 9 times a week! Well, I've already been 3 times this month and I would like to just knock out the 10 required visits right away so I don't have to worry about it! Plus, if I'm not working out, I'm not losing weight. Plain and simple.

 

Now, onto Vodoo. Last night after the gym, I was craving a fruit smoothie for some reason. So we stopped at the grocery store and I bought everything that i needed for this Green Cleansing Smoothie I found on pinterest.  http://www.fitsugar.com/Kimberly-Snyders-Green-Smoothie-Recipe-Weight-Loss-18356998  I thought it was delicious and I could tell this morning that it cleanses like it says it will! The only problem is that is makes an entire blender full of smoothie, at least 3-4 servings. I put the remaining shake in an airtight container and refridgerated it over night.

This morning I took it to work, shook it up and poured about 1 cup of it in my little blender, added vanilla bean torte protein powder, a splash of almond milk and some coconut oil to make it more of a meal. I think it's just delicious. Try it out if you're into vodoo!

 

It's not really September is it?

Hey Y'all! Please tell me it's not September!? Where in the world has this year gone? First I wanted to say thank you so much to all of the people who left comments about praying for my dad and family. That has been and still is a very stressful situation for the past few months. I don't know if the worst is over, but there's progress so all is good for now. Our lives have been crazy lately. I haven't lost any weight and I sure have been doing everything in my power to sabotage my weight loss efforts lately. So I'm trying with all of my might to get back to the gym and get back to blogging. Hopefully with those two things my eating habits will start to fall into place again! I really want to lose 100 lbs before the end of the year so I really need to kick it into gear.

We went home to Michigan to visit my parents 2 weeks ago. We took our sweet little dog with us on the plane.. trust me... that will never happen. Ever again. Ever. Anyways, we had planned to stay for the week but actually had to cut the trip short because MS' grandpa took a turn for the worst. We were able to back to NC and then drive up to VA in time to go see him and then be there when he passed. It was really sad but also very peaceful. 

I have a not so cool band story to tell you about home though. Holy shit. Have you ever heard of the great Detroit rivalry between American Coney Island and Lafayette Coney Island? Well being that I'm from around Detroit, I always used to go to Lafayette with my girlfriends after a night out partying. I never even knew about American Coney even though it is right next door. So last year before surgery, MS and I went to Lafayette and American and had one coney at each. We decided hands down that lafayette was the most amazing coney we had ever had in our lives. So on this trip we wanted to go back. We knew we wouldn't be able to eat all of it like we used to, but still wanted to have a little bit.

On our way to the airport we stopped in Detroit and got a couple of coneys. There is a really pretty little city garden next to it that we sat in. I was completely fine, just ate the hot dog and the chili with a fork and skipped the bun. MS only ate about half of his hot dog and had to get up and walk around (he doesn't do well with any type of sausage or meat that has a casing on it) So after walking around a bit he was fine, but he was done eating. So just as I was about to wrap it up and go, I ripped off a piece of the bun and ate it as I started standing up. I must have swallowed it without chewing well because what was about to happen was the worst experience I have ever had with my band to date.

I felt stuck so I got up and walked a bit, and we walked the dog back to the car and got the A/C going so he didn't cook in the car. That's when the pain came.... and then the urge to barf my brains out. I had to walk up and down the busy street over and over. A few times my whole body lurched like i was going to throw up, but just clear watery spit came out. That kept happening over and over. At one point there were two guys walking down the street and I faced MS. I heaved but kept my mouth shut as I was standing right across from him. He jumped so far out of the way. I didn't projectile vomit on him or anything. I was just so self conscience because all of the people around, so I went back in the gardens and hid between the tall sunflowers and willed myself to barf. Nothing. Finally the urgent pain went away and we had to get on the road to the airport. About 2 minutes after being on the road. It came back full force. God Bless my sweet husband who understands the pain i was going through. We luckily had a zip lock bag in the car because every time I would barf clear spit -- or I guess that's called sliming -- he would hold the bag for me to spit in as I was driving (I know how to drive around there and only my name was on the rental car-hence why I was even driving in the first place) We had to pull off the road and I actually had to bend over and take a tiny sip of water and it finally went through. Honestly that was horrifying. All for a little piece of hot dog bun. The area around my band was so sore and tight for the whole night and morning afterwards.

 I've read stories about people getting stuck and "sliming" and all of that jazz. But I had never had any of that happen. I've gotten stuck before and have had some painful moments that have taken my breath away but woah. I don't ever want that to happen again.

So that's really all on the band front. I've been back to the gym for the past few days and I'm so sore! I know that's a good thing, I just have to keep it up!! How has everyone else been! I am going to catch up on blogs this week to see what I've missed!!!

Need a Fav.

Friends, I'm still alive! Just haven't had much weight loss related activity in my life!! But still feeling good with minimal gain!

Just need to ask a favor. Please send some prayers my family's way. Some hard times have fallen on my parents and I just needed to ask someone/anyone for some prayers. I need some guidance so that I can stand up and do everything in my power to help them and I know they need guidance on how to get through this.

I know that's vague and cryptic, but any prayers help.

Lots of love and appreciation
-d.