Sunday, December 30, 2012

Atkins Day 2

This weekend was good, other than staying in bed and napping on the couch a little too much. Since we'll be heading to the islands in a little more than a month it's time to lose some weight!

It's really crazy to me that I am literally never hungry. I have a serious addiction to food. I just eat because I want to. If you're thinking about getting the band and can relate, I would suggest working with someone on the addiction at the same time as the surgery. I really wish I would have done that and I really need to do that in 2013.

We started Atkins yesterday and I've done well so far. I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning to get back into my routine.

I'm trying to stay away from watching the food channel, perusing recipes on pinterest and staying far away from the pantry which is still full of chips and crackers from the holidays. Yikes! I think all of that stuff triggers me to get up and mindlessly eat stuff.

Thank you for the comments on my recap of 2012. I am going to slam the door shut on all of the bullshit and just pray for a calmer year. Since all of the vacations we planned this year got scrapped, I'm also praying that the vacations we have planned for 2013 go off without a hitch and that we can truly relax on all of them with no drama, death or illness!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

1 Year and 10 Days Ago...

If I could sum up the past year in one word it would have to be ... extreme.

My husband and I were banded a year and 10 days ago. It was for sure the best gift I've ever given to myself.

The first 6 months for us were wonderful. In fact, we were told that we could expect to lose 50% of our excess body weight in the first year and we both lost that in 4 months!! Awesome!! We didn't just get banded and then wait around for the weight to drop off. We followed a very strict diet and at my best I was working out about 9 times a week. We made sure that every time we worked out we did a little more.

Around June life started really effing with us and my self discipline started wavering. I've been so absent from this blog for the past 6 months and I feel bad about that. I think I'm of a sound mind and feel like I'm mentally stable, but in the past month or two I've been telling myself to go talk to someone about everything that has happened this year just to get it out.The truth is seeing psychiatrist is going to cost me and I need to wait until 2013 for my flex spending to re-up. So, I'm going to start by airing it all out on this blog in the final days of 2012 and hopefully just let it go. I don't want to carry any of the past with me into the new year because it's just too damn heavy. Stick with me, this story is dramatic.

So here it goes:

My immediate family is extremely close knit. My parents would go to the end of the earth for us and we would all do the same for them. The past couple of years have been hard on my dad financially. The construction industry in Michigan is still struggling. A year or so ago he had to go back to manual labor and he is just too old for that. This year he was hurt on the job and workman's comp paid for a while. Right before he was supposed to have knee replacement surgery as a result of the injury, everything went to hell in a hand basket. Workman's comp denied everything.... and to spare you the details, for a few weeks we had to dig deep and figure out what to do. Would they move down and live with us? Could MS and I buy them a place to live? Would they foreclose on the house? Do we go up and sell everything? My dad even made comments about his life insurance policy and I swear to you, in the most calm and rational way, he was literally putting killing himself out on the table as a viable option. I mean it was really fucking terrible.

My heart was completely broken, I was 1,000 miles away from them, and I willingly took on the role of leading them through the crisis. MS and I researched lawyers, social security, disability, workers comp rights. It was a very dark, low and rough time for all of us.

We were able to put together a plan, get a lawyer, and he was able to get his surgery. We had planned a trip up to MI in August anyway and it turned out that we were going to be up there about 3 weeks after his surgery. Both MS and I wanted to get stuff done around the house for them and take care of anything they needed. I needed that vacation so badly from all that stress. I just needed to be with my parents and needed to recover from such a stressful situation with them.

About 3 days into the trip we got the call that MS's grandpa was starting to lose his battle with lung cancer. So we cut the trip short, flew back to NC. We flew with our kid/dog which will never happen again because it was a complete nightmare. We even had vet prescribed doggie xanax. Looking back, I should have just threw back the whole bottle myself. You may even remember my story about getting stuck on a coney in Detroit. That just added to the horror.

We made it to VA in time and were with the entire family when MS's grandpa passed. It was very emotional and my husband took it very hard. I had to step up again and be strong for him, while inside I was still hurting and reeling from my own family's issues.

About a month later, I was headed to San Fran for a work conference. Turns out MS was supposed to be in Denver for work the following week so we met up with family and stayed the weekend in Denver(which was also our 2 year anniversary)Right before I left for San Francisco, I received a suspicious message that involved my husband. I ignored it went to San Fran and planned on asking him about it over the weekend in Denver.

I never found a good time to ask him about the message so I ignored it. I went home and he stayed in Denver for his training. On the eve of our 2nd anniversary, I got home and decided to look into it a little more. I couldn't sleep and the realization that something very bad was going on completely washed over me. At 1:00 in the morning I called him and asked him about it. Turns out he was having "inappropriate conversations" over the Internet with this disgusting hog of a female. I never in my life imagined that our marriage was even to a point like that. I didn't sleep for a minute that night.

He immediately worked out the details with work and flew home. I went to a work meeting looking like a freak and I couldn't concentrate and was fighting falling asleep. How the FUCK? How the FUCK did that fucking happen?! What THE FUCK?

He said that I was working so much and this trash bag emailed him telling him how great he looked and it made him feel good. Other than that he would not give up any other information. My whole fucking world got rocked to the core. I can't even begin to explain to you the hurt and grief and the pain that caused me. We have always had such a good relationship. He has always been my very best friend. I have never in my life felt or experienced that type of betrayal. And to top it off ... she is a disgusting human being. Not attractive and posts horrible half naked self portraits of herself all over the Internet. What in the actual fuck? He holds strong that they never talked about meeting up, or set up any type of time to actually cheat, but that the conversation was flirtatious and inappropriate.

I researched divorce, I researched cheaters, I searched my soul. I didn't want to get a divorce and I hated myself for not wanting to dump his ass. I questioned whether or not I even wanted to have kids. Why bring kids into a home that could be broken in the future? WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't get married until I was 29 years old and we have such a good relationship. I trusted him with every ounce of my being and that all got ripped away. Holy shit. I cried for weeks. I still cry about it.  I also slipped into depression. I told my boss and I told my best friend and I really didn't talk about it much to anyone.

I was still hurting from lost time with my parents so we planned a trip to my sisters for Thanksgiving. I started feeling better and looking forward to seeing them. About 3 weeks before Thanksgiving my sister sent us a text that said she got promoted and was moving to Florida. Thanksgiving trip was cancelled.Great. I just wanted to be with my parents. I cried and cried.
We adjusted our sails and booked flight to just go to Michigan for Thanksgiving because I just needed it.

Here's where the story gets dramatic......

Two days before we were supposed to leave. My husband got diagnosed with testicular cancer. Now I've always thought that I was a strong person. Well that's what it took to break my soul. Just broke.
holy shit. That was the darkness. Depression is not a strong enough word to describe my state of mind at that time.

He had to have surgery and scans right away. We cancelled our flights and trip again.

MS's mom came down for the surgery, but was so sick the morning before, she had to go home. She didn't want to risk getting MS sick.

We had told my parents not to come down so that MS' family could be there for as long as they wanted. So there I was by myself in a very very bad place.

Before he went to surgery we found out that the blood tests and CT scans were very good and showed no sign of cancer anywhere else in his body. But we wouldn't know anything else until about 2 weeks after surgery.

1 week after, he was admitted to the hospital because his incision was infected. It was so bad, he could barely go to the bathroom by himself, so I stayed with him for 2 or 3 sleepless nights. One of the nights while he was sleeping I just lost my shit. Sitting there in the dark. I'm a big believer in karma and I swear this year I paid for everything I have ever done wrong to anyone in my life.

After that, things started slowly getting better.

They ended up opening up a part of his incision to drain and treated him for 5 days in the hospital. I learned how to pack an open wound and I'm still doing that. If I were to guess, I think we have about 4 more weeks until that thing closes up nicely. Turns out the tumor they removed was benign. He doesn't need chemo or radiation. Just needed the surgery to remove it. Definitely caught a break with that one. My parents came down for a week to help us out. I needed that. I really needed that. 

So now I'm here, feeling sad that I've put some weight back on. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to use my band. I forgot that I'm never hungry and just started shoving anything that would slide past the band in my face.

I'm embarrassed to go get a fill because I've put weight on. Lately I've been out of breath walking up stairs. All of my clothes are too tight and I feel like a lard ass. But you know what? I didn't gain ALL of my weight back. So I'm still ahead in this whole thing.

The good news is that I have effing killed it at work this year. I just qualified for a Caribbean vacation through work and what feels even better is that in a time when the economy sucks I was instrumental in doubling the size of the company I work for and taking the sales from $2M LY to almost $4M TY. That feels great.

So from today forward, I'm reteaching myself how to use my band. Knowing myself I'll probably have to do this every year. But that's OK. I forgive myself. I forgive my husband.  I'm moving on. The universe chewed me up and spit me out this year, so hopefully it moves on to bigger and better things in 2013.

If you've read to this point. Thank you for letting my vent. I'm putting this out there and I'm leaving it there. It's too heavy to carry.

Onward to 2013! Happy EFFING New Year! :)