Tough

Had a tough moment the other day and held it in pretty hard. Just need to get it out. I haven't gotten into it too much on this blog but essentially my husband and I have a very slim chance of ever having children. It's not new news and I haven't been super sad about it, but I had a moment a few days ago that tears my heart out.

A great friend of mine who had an abortion in college gave birth to her first baby a week or two ago and I've been feeling a little more on edge about this whole baby thing since then. I don't get jealous or angry, but I have been experiencing some sadness that I swallow back and put someplace deep down. It hasn't shown back up yet but tried to yesterday.

I went to michael's with my mom, who I only get to spend time with about twice a year. We were getting yarn so I could knit a baby blanket for another good friend and my mom wanted to make a sweet little diaper cover with boa feathers that she saw on Pinterest. That's what we do, we make stuff and we have fun doing that stuff together.

As we got near the  feathers I started tearing up and couldn't shake it, I kept walking away pretending like I had to sneeze. I don't know how I did it but I somehow got it under control before my mom even noticed. I can't even explain the pain I felt. That's just something I want to be able to do with my mom for my own child.

 I've always been so comfortable with the challenges God has given me and I never want to or need to feel like a victim because of it. I've always seen the light at the end if the tunnel during tough times. I'm having a hard time seeing that this time. I'm going to be 33 years old this year. My time is running out and the only way to try is by coming up with $20k in cash.

I guess having a child is what I've always considered part of life. I've looked forward to the challenge of child birth and raising a kid. I honestly don't know if it's going to happen and it makes me feel a little worthless.