Slipped? Hopefully.

A week or so ago, I was driving to work and said a desperate prayer asking God to take over for me because I clearly cannot control my issue with eating. I needed help to stop my obsessive overeating and I needed motivation to get moving and work out. I haven't completely failed at this band thing, but I will if something doesn't change.

The will power from saying that prayer lasted about a half a day and I fell back into my daily binge. Just like a damn drug addict I would imagine.

Friday night, I drank a margarita and something felt weird about it. Sometimes when I drink out of a straw I get tight and gassy feeling, but this one was a little more uncomfortable. I ate a little dinner afterwards and boxed up the rest.

The next day I didn't eat until about 3:00. Took one bite and felt stuck. Not horrible stuck, just do-not-put-another-bite-near-your-mouth-for-at-least-5-minutes-stuck.

Later that night I started feeling weird. My esophagus felt swollen and I felt like I had something stuck in my throat. I tried drinking cold water, hot water with honey, and I drank as much of it as possible. I didn't say anything for a while because I was honestly thinking that I was going to die. It didn't hurt, it was just alarmingly odd feeling. I felt like I was going to go to sleep and die in my sleep. I'm not trying to be dramatic at all... That's what was going through my head in a calm weird way.

So I tried to play it cool all night and I was so worried about going to sleep, I laid down and it felt
even worse. At around midnight I decided to go to the ER. The thought of going to Duke and facing all of the people that cheered me on while I lost 74 pounds made my stomach twist in knots and I cried like an embarassed little kid.

Luckily the ER wasn't busy. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour i was feeling a little but better not as sore and swollen. Once we got into a room, the doctor was really weird to me, it was very apparent that even though I had the surgery in that same hospital ... Absolutely no one there really understood what a lap band was.

My biggest fear was that I had a dialated esophagus and that I would have to get the band taken out. The ER doctor said that he would take chest xrays and maybe we should do an EKG. He asked me what I thought about it and I told him to start with the band because I really only felt pain in my esophagus. He responded with, "ok SCREW the EKG...we won't do that."

I thought that was the strangest statement I've ever heard from a doctor in my life... But it was almost 2:00 in the morning and he clearly wasn't interested in fat people's problems.

After my X-ray he said he talked to the bariatric surgeon and he's not sure, but he thinks my band may have slipped a bit. The surgeon said I could wait until 7:00 am for him to come in because it wasn't an emergency, or I could go to his office on Monday. He said he needs to take some fluid out and it should go back into place.

I asked him if my esophagus looked swollen or dialated and he said no.... but I'm honestly not convinced he could really tell either way.

I'm sad and ashamed of myself. I have a pit in my stomach thinking about facing everyone in the doctors office. I've seen the disapproving looks of too many doctors in my life who have noticed my weight losses and subsequent gains.

Today i feel a little better. i started back on the same diet regimen they gave me post op. liquid Protein and hydration all with no more than 10 sugars per 8 oz. I've taken the tiniest sips and have to stop frequently.

It's actually been good. In fact I've been thinking about it a lot today and its funny how life works. A couple of weeks ago I had an intern lie to me and I caught him. He was quite embarassed and I remember thinking about how I hoped that he learned a lesson from it..I distinctively said, "the most embarassing moments are sometimes the moments that change you for the better."

I think it's quite clever how I asked God to take over and this is what has happened. My words seem to be the only thing ill be eating this week.

Praying for a simple slip that can be fixed with the removal of some saline. Also a chance to start over with renewed motivation.